I have been undocumented for so many years, and as I’ve grown older, it has changed me a lot. A lot. I have become selfish, gruff, unpleasant, and despondent. I suppose it’s been my way of protecting myself from the advancing world around me. I figure if I just block out the outside world, I won’t notice that my life is stagnant.
But as I reread that last sentence, I notice my problem. I’ve become so focused on the obstacles in my life that I don’t realize that my life isn’t stagnant. Sure, there have been a lot of missed opportunities, but it seems to me that I’ve actually done a lot with what little I’ve had. I’m not boasting, I’m just aware. And in all honestly, I think that awareness is what will keep moving forward.
I now realize that that I way I’ve looked at my life has been binary: my life as an undocumented immigrant and the life I’ll have as a legal resident (hopefully). I build up that second stage of life so much that I forget the ways in which I’ve been blessed now: I have people who support me; who encourage me; who sacrifice for me; who laugh with me; who cry with me; who love me.
We take nothing of this earth with us when we die, even the pain. I often forget Matthew 6:20: but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. I certainly haven’t been doing that. I’ve put stock in my future career, my achievements, and my pride. That’s not the way to live.